Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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