ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
