college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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