I met the friendliest cop last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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