Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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