I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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