When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
God gave him joint rollers for hands
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
