An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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