My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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