All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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