plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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