He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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