Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
