I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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