fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
