i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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