Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
