i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
