There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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