remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
