You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
