Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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