Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
