did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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