my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
