Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
