Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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