Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
