I can tuck mytits in my pants
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
