Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
