It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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