she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
