Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
