So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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