Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
