I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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