Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
home. puking in laundry basket.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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