ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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