happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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