I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
