I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
