my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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