im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
