Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
