Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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