I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
