you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
