I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
