i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
