what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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