enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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