in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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