then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's official drugs can't kill me
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
